I went over to her and asked her.... "Excuse me young lady, would you go to bed with me for 1 Million Dollars?"
She did not hesitate and answered," Sure for 1 million dollars I would definitely go to bed with you".
Then I asked... "would you go to bed with me for 5 dollars".
After slapping me she answered angrily, " What the Hell do you think I am??"
I responded..." well we've already determined that, now we're negotiating a price." Quote
A Texan on holiday in Ireland walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". Quote
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning, said the young man.
If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
Go away! said the old lady. Im broke and havent got any money! and she proceeded to shut the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open
Dont be too hasty! he said.
Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I wil personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said Well let me get you a fork, cause the cut off my electricity this morning. Quote
8/14/13 @ 12:56pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
"You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car parts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, "I have not ordered this". The Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan Main Deala?" Quote
9/4/13 @ 4:09pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas" Quote
10/3/13 @ 11:30am
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling
Husband: OkayLets have sex now
Wife: No sweetheart yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will fuck this robothe tried fucking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way
SYSTEM ERRORWRONG HOLE SYSTEM ERROR WRONG HOLE
Husband: Damn robot is not working properlyI am throwing it out of the windowThe man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said
SOFTWARE UPDATEDPLEASE TRY AGAIN Quote
10/6/13 @ 1:18pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
- Sex on beach is like American beer; fuckin' near water!
- It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
- An egotist is a person more interested in himself than in me.
- A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
- A good life is like toilet paper ... Long and useful.
- An impotent loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up.
Quote
8/20/15 @ 4:12pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
A gynaecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the exhaust."
Quote
1/29/16 @ 3:11pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing. Quote
2/2/16 @ 11:30am
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.
2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.
3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.
4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING Quote
2/4/16 @ 12:34pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
He looks at the plates in his hands and says, "Well, I can't give them to you right now...but you can reach in my pocket and get them."
Everyone is looking as she reaches into his pants. She smiles bashfully as she looks around and said, "I feel a little funny."
He replies, "Feel a little deeper and you will feel NUTS!" Quote
11/19/17 @ 7:08pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Kneeling devotedly at Miss L's feet
Posts: 1,297
An unrecorded conversation between God Adam and Eve.
God: Adam,Eve I have but two gifts left to bestow upon you, I'll leave it to you to decide who gets which gift.
Adam: We are most grateful for all you have given us oh Lord what more could we ask for?
God: The first gift is the ability to pee while standing up, and the second....
Adam: ooh ooh I want that one oh Lord, please let me have that one Eve
Eve: It's fine with me oh Lord let Adam have his gift.
(While Adam happily begins to write his name in the sand with his stream God looks at Eve and says): Eve my daughter the only gift that I have left is the ability to have multiple orgasms. Quote
11/26/17 @ 10:23pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Kneeling devotedly at Miss L's feet
Posts: 1,297
The woman replies "Are you crazy? I plan to be in the plane " Quote
11/26/17 @ 11:38pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 13,827
The old man lifts his head and replies, “I’ll have the soup.”
Quote
12/21/17 @ 4:30pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Kneeling devotedly at Miss L's feet
Posts: 1,297
"Easy they're dyslexic " the young lawyer replies.
"How dose that make them not guilty?"
"Because they worship Santa!" Quote
12/24/17 @ 1:44am
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: California, USA
Posts: 60
It was dead. Quote
1/18/18 @ 6:27pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Kneeling devotedly at Miss L's feet
Posts: 1,297
None, they can't figure out how. Quote
12/27/20 @ 1:10pm
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
You sit upon the toilet
With everything prepared
You're feeling quite excited but
A little bl00dy scared!💩
That huge amount of Christmas nosh
Has turned into a log
And now the fateful time has come
To flush it down the bog!💩
But first you must expel the beast
And so you start to strain,
You bite down on a piece of wood
To take away the pain💩
But oh my god, its bl00dy huge
It's like you're giving birth!
You sweat and push and swear and shake
and strain for all your worth.💩
And then that magic moment comes,
That fills your soul with cheer,
A turd the size of King Kongs arm
Emerges from your rear.💩
And like a bomb it hits the pan
Thus lightening your mood,
And making room inside your guts
For lots more Christmas food!😡💩🤗 Quote
6/28/21 @ 8:18am
(EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Brisbane Australia, home of the 2032 Olympic Games
Posts: 43,489
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl with a club, I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate and the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times.” Quote
